It’s finally spring.

Nearly every morning now the ground is wet with dew and the remnants of overnight showers. It makes me wonder if the earth itself has been crying itself to sleep.

In my favorite park, across the railway tracks from home, there’s a cedar tree I’ve grown really fond of.

It’s easy to miss. It’s not especially big, and it’s out of the way, off the beaten path near a little pond. Its trunk has a unique, crooked shape. It calms me down whenever I see it. I hope it appreciates my company, too.

I’ve started going out of my way to visit it. I set aside one of my notebooks to fill with sketches of its bark. I really like the way its bark looks. I could sit there copying its patterns until the sun went down. I think I did, once.

Every so often, I see the same caterpillars crawling along its branches. Six of them, all one species. Green with black stripes and orange dots.

Slowly I’m managing to tell them apart. They wriggle around, looking for good leaves to eat. Sometimes they crawl down onto the grass and stay there for a while, perfectly still.

I always wonder what they’re thinking.

Lately, our band hasn’t been playing as much. I think everyone’s been busy with the new school year. But it feels lonely. It makes me kind of scared.

I still text everyone. It’s not like we aren’t keeping in touch. But if I can’t hear their voices, if I can’t be near them and feel their warmth, I start to worry they’re not real, in the back of my head.

The last two times we did get to practice, Raana-chan didn’t show. She hadn’t done that in months.

Taki-chan was really upset, but I’m sure she has her reasons. She’s starting high school, after all.

I’ve been seeing less of the caterpillars lately. They must have started pupating, but I looked and couldn’t find them.

I spent so long searching for them I got my favorite hoodie stained with the pigment of its leaves.

I threw it in the wash as soon as I got home, but there’s still a faint green blotch on its pocket.

I found one of the caterpillars today.

It was curled up on the ground. It wouldn’t move. It was stiff and dry and half-buried in the dirt.

I stayed up all night thinking about it.

It feels so much harder to control my own thoughts lately.

Raana-chan finally showed up to practice. I couldn’t help myself. I ran up to her and hugged her. Her body felt unusually warm.

She left after just two songs. I couldn’t bring myself to stop her.

I feel like I know her even less than when we first met.

I’m scared.

I finally found the pupae.

They were in the last place I hadn’t looked. Five of them, all lined up next to each other, on the same branch.

Three of them were empty husks.

I looked for the butterflies, but I couldn’t find them. Of course I couldn’t. They could have flown off anywhere by now.

And even if I could find them, I wouldn’t recognize them.

I couldn’t sleep again that night.

I went back the next morning. I was so tired my head was spinning, but I didn’t want to miss the last two chrysalides emerging.

Raana-chan was there.

She was sitting by the tree. I rubbed my eyes. They say enough sleep deprivation can make you see things that aren’t really there.

I sat down next to her and said hi, but she stayed silent, and shifted closer and closer to me.

And then she leaned over and pushed my hands down.

She pressed her lips against mine.

Gently at first, then not so much.

I felt that unusual warmth from her again. No, everything was warm. It was like spring had died and turned to summer in an instant.

She even smelled different from before. No longer sweet, but something else. Something distinct and indescribable.

But she was real. She tasted real.

I don’t know how much time passed. Eventually she pulled back and wiped her mouth with her sleeve, and smiled. Then she stood up, turned around, and walked away.

I was too stunned to do anything.

As she left the clearing, two yellow swallowtails flew after her.